THERE is more Lego in my house than stars in the known universe. I tread on it barefoot, discover it in my pockets during dull meetings, see it cavorting in my dreams with Kelly Brook. It is all-pervasive, like sand between one’s bum cheeks. So why would I visit Legoland?
“It’s that or the Olympics,” threatened sons Luke, Felix and Ollie over the summer.
A puke-inducing, perspiring, panting parade of preening, perma-tanned, protein-shake-swilling pecs-maniacs? You’re taking the P. So pass me a Silk Cut, kids. Legoland it is.
I am 45. These days, I don’t squeal much. Except when I see a real hotel made of giant Lego. And that’s before the park.
The wait to get in is Wonkaesque: drooling brats held barely at bay by Ritalin and railings; Oompa-Loompa types waiting to be flattened in the stampede. I adopt adult detachment: “OK, kids, when the gates open, I’ll trip up the little fatty in front and you run over him.”
Inside, things get calmer. This doesn’t pretend to be Alton Towers; it is an altogether gentler experience. The rides won’t make you wee yourself, but you’ll laugh and be lolled and lulled. Teens will find it tame. But what do they know?
We counted almost 60 rides and other attractions and managed to try most in an epic nine hours.
You can buy a Q-Bot pass to skip queues but they’re expensive. “I hate people who push in,” said Felix. Welcome to the English class system, Trotsky.
Miniland – the UK in Lego – has a faded grandeur. It is a little known fact that Alex Salmond is a former Lego designer and planned the park. For mini-Scotland is separate from the rest of the UK.*
Legoland will separate you and your money but it’s done with humour. Even the loo signs have a little boy clutching his privates, fit to bust. Exit-through-the-gift-shop commercialism is also kept to a minimum. (Hey Luke, see that £274.99 Death Star with the turbolaser turrets and trash compactor monster? Forget it.)
One enters Legoland a cynic, leaves a convert.
Book someone’s spare room in the big smoke and see for yourself.
*Correction and clarification: Mr Salmond is not a former Lego designer. We offer an unreserved apology for any distress caused to Lego.
Legoland, Windsor. Open March-November. Adults £33.30, children £26.55, www.legoland.co.uk; special events: Brick or Treat Halloween, until 5 November; Monster Fighters Fireworks – 27, 28 October, 2, 3, 4 November.